Friday, December 2, 2011


So many things have happened since the last time I blogged.  After all, it is now December and the last post was written early September.  Of the many occurrences in the past few months, one included a trip to New York for me. It was a fantastic experience and fully deserves an entire post of its own, but later. For this post I intend on addressing my past post.  A dear friend that I've known since I was a young child had commented on that post.  I'm grateful for all of the kind words of support and love that was extended to me in all of the comments (Thank you!), but what she had said in particular struck home--and with profound depth. She said, "I think by writing this post you have just given yourself the freedom you need in those areas of your life to truly be you ~ on your terms." I actually felt the freedom she referred to and because of her gracious wisdom I felt empowered to do as she encouraged. 

Since then, I had decided to read the book, Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis. I have yet to finish it because school intensified while in the process of reading it, so I've consequently had to put it on the back burner (along with a huge stack of novels) to be read this coming Christmas break. However just the short amount I was able to read was so incredibly enlightening! I'm particularly impressed with the book because Lewis uses all logic to describe the need and intent of Christianity: with no scriptures and with no specific religious outlook he compellingly explains the deduction of Christianity. It's an incredible book, whether you are Christian or not, C.S. Lewis is brilliant and its practically entertaining to read his words of intellect.

Anyway, at the end of the first "book" Lewis refers to the beginning of a Christian belief, "it does not begin in comfort; it begins in dismay and it is no use at all trying to go on to that comfort without first going through that dismay. In religion, as in war and everything else, comfort is the one thing you cannot get by looking for it. If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end: if you look for comfort you will not get either comfort or truth--only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin with and, in the end, despair." Not until just recently did I realize how intensely relative these words were to me, not in the embarking of a Christian belief (I already have that), but rather the commencement of self-discovery, self-healing and acceptance.

So my last post, unknowingly, was actually the beginning of the dismay I'm currently trying to process through and will be for months and in all honesty, periodically for the rest of my life. The experiences, blessings and heartache I've had the past few months are too acute and extensive to share. But it will suffice me to say that they will probably be some of the greatest pivots and influential choices in my life. Thus I don't know for surety what the future holds for me other than change and the dismay that Lewis refers to; all of which I hope will lead me to the truth, comfort and desires of my heart that I seek.

Some videos that I've seen recently that have been essential to my commencement of self-discovery, acceptance and healing are videos that I think everyone should watch and can benefit from. The first two are from Dr. Brené Brown: video 1 and video 2 (so incredibly insightful) and the second two are from John Bradshaw part 1 and part 2 (older, longer but still great).  You won't regret taking the time to watch these videos.  The first two are a must, and the second two are great but not necessarily a "must"...however it was all four that began the enlightening of my "dismay" and everything else current in my life.  

"Progress means getting nearer to the place where you want to be. And if you have taken a wrong turning, then to go forward does not get you any nearer. If you are on the wrong road, progress means doing an about-turn and walking back to the right road; and in that case the man who turns back soonest is the most progressive man. Going back is the quickest way on." -C.S. Lewis 'Mere Christianity" So here's to going back, to face my past and all that entails, to have faith and strength to truly be me ~ and on my own terms.

(both photos are mine--they're from my new, past few months, found hobby: iphonography :)

Monday, September 5, 2011

Can I be honest?

Funny question because when am I not honest?  However, recently there have been some things that I have failed to "mention" or avoided in conversations.  Some I've poked at but haven't really scratched the surface of my real feelings.  So here's a list of some things that have been on my mind a lot lately: 1. Church 2. Men, thus consequently women too 3. Children 4. An overall disappointment in life and myself. Just a fair warning, but this blog post could be upsetting for some. Read with caution.

1. Church. I've come to really resent/dislike going to church.  I wouldn't be surprised that one aspect of that has to be with going to church at 2 o'clock in the freaking afternoon. Another aspect is that I'm pretty anti-social when it comes to making friends in my ward. Nate and I are one of the only couples that does not have children and if there is another couple its because of infertility. I hate the pressures I feel from church--to look nice, to have the latest fashionable church clothes, to be a scripture master, to be happy, to smile, to have children, to compliment people on their "cute" kids or to be enthralled with them, to pray, to pay attention, to be perfect.  I've seriously been considering not going anymore.  It has nothing to do with my testimony of Jesus Christ that He is indeed the Savior of the world. Or my testimony of the restoration and that there is a God who is our Heavenly Father.  But I have been questioning some things and it always leads to that next concern on my list: men. I don't like learning about the history of different men in the church particularly some prophets. It makes me doubt and question that God would place in authority a man prone to faults and mistakes. But then again, who else would He have to work with? Some may now want to ask me if I've been doing the basics like reading my scriptures, praying and fasting etc. The answer is no. I can't seem to find the desire to do so.

2. Men. I've always struggled with men--trusting them, liking them, listening to them, respecting them.  Most of it surrounds their sexual drive and the hurt that that has caused me in my life. This creates a lot of problems for me. For example, I'm married to a man. A wonderful, brilliant, funny, charismatic, loving, patient and handsome man. But a man. He knows how I feel towards men and when I say that I hate men, I don't ever intend to place him in that category but I fail to avoid doing so because he is a man. It hurts his feelings and then I feel bad, wishing that I didn't have the feelings of mistrust that I do...and then I begin to resent experiences that have made me who I am today. But it isn't my fault that men in my life have chosen to hurt and betray me. In consequence, I struggle to trust God because He is a man; a man that I'm to look to for answers and direction--how can I desire to do so if He has the power to hurt and betray me too? Recently I've become to hate women too because of the things they do that encourage men to be the men that I hate.

3. Children. I've only said this to those closest to me...but now I'm certainly making it publicly known.  I don't want children.  I'm happy for those that have children, want them and love them. I also find many people's kids to be utterly adorable.  But I just don't want any. And that makes me feel guilty, for so many reasons.  I want to be selfish and not have to sacrifice for a child that might just turn around and throw it in my face.  You can't control children or make choices for them. You can give them everything and they don't even have to be grateful. What is the appeal of having kids? Everyone says you'll never know till you have them, but like I said before, I don't want to have any.  Who knows, maybe one day I'll change my mind and want to be a mother.  But right now, I struggle with the overwhelming pressure and guilt that I haven't had any and have no desire to. I know though that its better for all involved to not have them when they're not wanted...thus I'm waiting till I have the desire. Which makes me ache for Nathan who already has the desire. Its unfair to him and unfair for any "spirit children" possibly waiting.

4. An overall disappointment in life and myself. Do you ever go through lists in your mind of what you should be doing to improve or just what needs to be done? But then not accomplish one single thing off that list? I don't only think of lists in my head, I write them out and become frustrated that I achieve next to nothing.  I hate knowing all the things I need to be doing and should be doing, but don't actually put that knowledge into action.  I also feel overwhelmed to be having others pointing out what they think I should be doing or how I should be.  I feel terribly overwhelmed with responsibilities.  It makes it worse that most of the responsibilities I place on myself. I'm tired...I'd rather be sleeping most of the time and the rest of time doing nothing.  Well, I take that back, when I literally have nothing to do, I go crazy. I want things to do, I just don't want the responsibility to do them. But that's life. And life is unfair as my mother always told me.

I lot of me wants to cry out for help but doesn't because I know it all eventually relies and depends on me.  No one has the power to change my opinions or things in my life greater than I do.  Thank heaven for the animals that love and accept me regardless. And thank heaven for a husband that endures it all with loving patience...for the most part :)