Monday, September 5, 2011

Can I be honest?

Funny question because when am I not honest?  However, recently there have been some things that I have failed to "mention" or avoided in conversations.  Some I've poked at but haven't really scratched the surface of my real feelings.  So here's a list of some things that have been on my mind a lot lately: 1. Church 2. Men, thus consequently women too 3. Children 4. An overall disappointment in life and myself. Just a fair warning, but this blog post could be upsetting for some. Read with caution.

1. Church. I've come to really resent/dislike going to church.  I wouldn't be surprised that one aspect of that has to be with going to church at 2 o'clock in the freaking afternoon. Another aspect is that I'm pretty anti-social when it comes to making friends in my ward. Nate and I are one of the only couples that does not have children and if there is another couple its because of infertility. I hate the pressures I feel from church--to look nice, to have the latest fashionable church clothes, to be a scripture master, to be happy, to smile, to have children, to compliment people on their "cute" kids or to be enthralled with them, to pray, to pay attention, to be perfect.  I've seriously been considering not going anymore.  It has nothing to do with my testimony of Jesus Christ that He is indeed the Savior of the world. Or my testimony of the restoration and that there is a God who is our Heavenly Father.  But I have been questioning some things and it always leads to that next concern on my list: men. I don't like learning about the history of different men in the church particularly some prophets. It makes me doubt and question that God would place in authority a man prone to faults and mistakes. But then again, who else would He have to work with? Some may now want to ask me if I've been doing the basics like reading my scriptures, praying and fasting etc. The answer is no. I can't seem to find the desire to do so.

2. Men. I've always struggled with men--trusting them, liking them, listening to them, respecting them.  Most of it surrounds their sexual drive and the hurt that that has caused me in my life. This creates a lot of problems for me. For example, I'm married to a man. A wonderful, brilliant, funny, charismatic, loving, patient and handsome man. But a man. He knows how I feel towards men and when I say that I hate men, I don't ever intend to place him in that category but I fail to avoid doing so because he is a man. It hurts his feelings and then I feel bad, wishing that I didn't have the feelings of mistrust that I do...and then I begin to resent experiences that have made me who I am today. But it isn't my fault that men in my life have chosen to hurt and betray me. In consequence, I struggle to trust God because He is a man; a man that I'm to look to for answers and direction--how can I desire to do so if He has the power to hurt and betray me too? Recently I've become to hate women too because of the things they do that encourage men to be the men that I hate.

3. Children. I've only said this to those closest to me...but now I'm certainly making it publicly known.  I don't want children.  I'm happy for those that have children, want them and love them. I also find many people's kids to be utterly adorable.  But I just don't want any. And that makes me feel guilty, for so many reasons.  I want to be selfish and not have to sacrifice for a child that might just turn around and throw it in my face.  You can't control children or make choices for them. You can give them everything and they don't even have to be grateful. What is the appeal of having kids? Everyone says you'll never know till you have them, but like I said before, I don't want to have any.  Who knows, maybe one day I'll change my mind and want to be a mother.  But right now, I struggle with the overwhelming pressure and guilt that I haven't had any and have no desire to. I know though that its better for all involved to not have them when they're not wanted...thus I'm waiting till I have the desire. Which makes me ache for Nathan who already has the desire. Its unfair to him and unfair for any "spirit children" possibly waiting.

4. An overall disappointment in life and myself. Do you ever go through lists in your mind of what you should be doing to improve or just what needs to be done? But then not accomplish one single thing off that list? I don't only think of lists in my head, I write them out and become frustrated that I achieve next to nothing.  I hate knowing all the things I need to be doing and should be doing, but don't actually put that knowledge into action.  I also feel overwhelmed to be having others pointing out what they think I should be doing or how I should be.  I feel terribly overwhelmed with responsibilities.  It makes it worse that most of the responsibilities I place on myself. I'm tired...I'd rather be sleeping most of the time and the rest of time doing nothing.  Well, I take that back, when I literally have nothing to do, I go crazy. I want things to do, I just don't want the responsibility to do them. But that's life. And life is unfair as my mother always told me.

I lot of me wants to cry out for help but doesn't because I know it all eventually relies and depends on me.  No one has the power to change my opinions or things in my life greater than I do.  Thank heaven for the animals that love and accept me regardless. And thank heaven for a husband that endures it all with loving patience...for the most part :)